When I can’t talk sense, I talk metaphor. – John Philpot Curran
Yesterday, I was trying to help my Muse out. She needed a post for her blog – the postage was due, but she didn’t have a stamp, or something like that. Anyway, being the helpful guy I am, I came up with a rough draft and sent it to her. It was rejected outright. Did I mention that my Muse is wonderfully candid? So later in the day, hoping to somehow redeem myself, I sent her another rough draft. It too was rejected, for the ostensible reason that it would offend about 80% of her audience. Yes, she actually pays attention to statistics and demographics. Did I also mention that she’s a successful, widely-read blogger?
She says I get too hung up on metaphors. I told her I go for MEGAphors. Being both lazy and frugal, I’ve decided to post the first rejected draft here; sorry you’re getting cast-offs. Oh yeah . . . what follows is supposed to be funny. I should also mention that the picture up above was taken by my Muse.
Times are tough out there on the ocean of love. Between overfishing, habitat degradation, migration shifts, and mental pollution, it’s become very difficult to find a quality catch. As they say, “Seems like all the good ones have already been caught.” Well yes, I am taken, but that doesn’t mean you should give up. There’s still some interesting fish in the sea, if only for one evening. Depending on what you’re looking for, you might be interested in one of the following:
Prevalence: Still numerous, but declining due to natural selection and common sense.
Habitat: Nightclubs, health clubs, porn shops.
Lures: Any favorable comments on their attire will send them into a feeding frenzy.
Notes: All species of douchefish look much tastier than they actually are. The chief appeal of this fish is in its entertainment value. You’re sure to get a kick out of its courtship display. It’s also fun to see how many times you can catch and release the same fish.
Prevalence: Believed to be numerous, but counts vary.
Habitat: Libraries, book stores, churches.
Lures: Cats, employment.
Notes: This can be a very difficult fish to land; a successful catch depends on patience, so if you’re looking for an immediate meal, best move on. There are two varieties, and it’s impossible to tell them apart until they’re in the boat. The Northern Blushing Ruffle will simply lay there like a dead fish. The Southern Blushing Ruffle will thrash around madly and make you wonder who’s caught who.
Lures: Anything, even a bare hook.
Notes: This eel spoils very quickly, so it’s best to eat it as soon as possible and put the remains in the trash – out by the curb. It’s also advisable to have your paddle ready: sometimes a few hard whacks are necessary to show it who’s boss.
Prevalence: Unfortunately numerous.
Habitat: Nightclubs, grocery stores, gas stations, fitness clubs . . . don’t look now, but there’s one right behind you.
Lures: Eye contact.
Notes: These fish will actually jump into your boat. They are extremely difficult to release since they are liable to latch onto anything in sight with their powerful jaws. While this desperation can be very exciting at first, it gets old quickly.
Prevalence: Generally rare, but high concentrations may be found in the Southern U.S.
Habitat: Country & Western nightclubs.
Lures: Cowboy boots, large belt buckles, large pickup trucks, oil.
Notes: This fish is not for everyone, as it tends to be flavorful, but a little tough. They put up a hell of a fight, both in the water and once they’ve been landed; there have been several accounts of boats damaged – even sunk – by the Amazonian Ruffy. Some fishermen have been beaten with their own rods. Brace yourself for a wild ride.
Prevalence: Numerous, particularly in urban areas.
Habitat: Encounter groups, art film festivals, the workplace.
Lures: Energy, smiles, money.
Notes: This fish can be hard to recognize in the water. Not until after it’s in the boat will you realize what you’ve caught. If you begin to feel extremely lethargic, as though your very soul has been sucked from your body, and if your bank account is suddenly overdrawn, you’ve just landed a Vampirefish. Provided you have the energy and can afford it, you should throw it back in as quickly as possible.